I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
