Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
