i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
