I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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