My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
