I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
