i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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