This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
