So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
