Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
