I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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