i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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