That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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