I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
