I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
