My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
