Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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