he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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