If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
how drunk are you?
Several
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
