So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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