My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
