he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
