Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
