I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
