carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
