Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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