We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
