I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
