mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
