Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
