I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
