Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
