there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
