: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
