My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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