I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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