You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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