When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
