Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
