He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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