2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
