i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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