im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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