Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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