I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
