at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
