She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I AM VODKA MAN
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
