life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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