last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
