I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
