I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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