the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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