I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
