Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
