Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
