I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
