it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
