Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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