just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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