I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
